America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: The Biggest, Hottest Thing
It’s not even Halloween yet, and America’s Next Top Model already received an otherworldly visitor when the ghost of Michael Jackson showed up at this week’s photo shoot. OK, I can’t confirm that, but I’m pretty sure La Toya is possessed by something. Also, is it Christmas, too? These contestants’ incessant bickering is the gift that keeps on giving.
In one corner, we have Lisa, who warned the models to, “Hold on tight, kids!” (Don’t call your fellow competitors “kids” when you’re one of the oldest contestants. I’m just saying.) And in the other corner, Bianca, who doesn’t understand why she has to hang out with people she doesn’t like and be sad when the people she does like have to go home. This is her second stint on a reality show—there is no excuse for not knowing how this shit works. Dominique surmised that Bianca “thinks she’s above all this,” and added, “You can never be above an opportunity.” All right, Dominique, I will give you $ 20 to hang out at my next party. You’re not above that, are you?
But angelic Shannon—who is a Christian, she and everyone else would remind you—got in on the action, when she devised a phone sharing system that Bianca had a problem with. Actually, Bianca had a problem with Shannon’s math not adding up, which is a rather legitimate complaint to make. (No matter how hard you pray, 200 minutes is more than an hour and a half.) Shannon broke down immediately, because black people are scary, I guess. And then Lisa jumped in with, “Bang. Boom. Pow,” officially rendering her more cartoonish than Adam West’s Batman. All of these models need to think before they speak. Allison came off best, because she didn’t say a word. Just the O_O face and a graceful exit. I love Allison, you guys. I am ^___^ when she’s on screen.
The challenge in Wednesday night’s episode was a carousel runway to model the Kardashian Collection. I literally died and went to reality show heaven. (Yep, literally.) As Laura explained, “The Kardashians—they’re like the biggest, hottest thing, so to wear their clothes is amazing.” Was this a continuation of last week’s acting challenge? The clothes were hideous, and I say that as someone who knows very little about fashion but knows a lot about ugly. Ugh, the leopard print, the shoulder pads. The ‘80s Michael Jackson costumes the models would go on to wear felt way more contemporary to me.
And the fighting continued, much to my delight. Let’s take a moment to talk about all the mixed metaphors at play. Lisa said that Bre’s coddling of Bianca is “like Bre has a toddler at Disneyland on a leash.” Later, she said Bianca looks like a mean dog when she walked the runway with her stank face. Damn it, Lisa, which leashed creature is she? But Alexandria deserves credit for babbling on with a string of incoherent animal metaphors that even Tyra Banks would flinch at: “I didn’t sign myself up to play with some minnows in a little pond. I’m with the big dogs. Let’s fight with some sharks. We’re gonna use our teeth, fins. Let’s do this.” Alexandria is a mad scientist, right? Because I’m getting less Next Top Model and more Next Top Dr. Moreau.
The bad blood escalated, with Bianca repeatedly complaining about “taking shit from the Christian.” Alliances were forged. Lines were drawn. Where do I stand in the Bianca-Bre vs. Lisa-Shannon battle? Fuck it, I’m still Team Allison. Bianca’s attitude was atrocious, Bre was stirring shit up like a reality show contestant (OK, I guess points there), Lisa was being contrary for the sake of it, and Shannon bugged the crap out of me with the preemptive waterworks. You don’t cry as soon as you’re confronted with something. You wait till the other person is yelling, and then you start to bawl. Otherwise you just look unbalanced, and there’s nothing Christ-like about that. (He had excellent posture.)
This week’s photo shoot was Michael Jackson-themed, but it ended up being somehow less ridiculous than you’d imagine. Even special guest judge La Toya was weirdly subdued—I only caught half a trademark giggle. Disappointing. Most of the MJ-inspired outfits were obvious choices, and I didn’t think any of the models really channeled the King of Pop. I was also a little horrified that they coated some of the paler girls in a thick layer of bronzer. (It’s not blackface if you use brown!) At the end of the shoot, La Toya told her new BFFs, “Thank you so much for doing this for my brother.” A Top Model photo shoot was the last item on MJ’s bucket list. Now his ghost can cross over!
Elimination was—well, not an elimination. No one went home! And I love how Tyra played it up like this was all La Toya’s decision and not the plan from the get-go. Come on now. The “no one is going home this week” shock factor died about 16 reality competitions ago. Can we stop pretending that Tyra is reinventing the wheel, and start focusing on Lisa’s absurdly awesome sense of style? Thanks. Whatever, bottom two Lisa and Angelea were clearly tickled about getting to stick around. “I feel like somebody saved me,” Angelea offered, wondering out loud if it was La Toya, Michael Jackson, or Jesus. I will put good money on Jesus. Oh, Jesus is Tyra Banks.
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